Here's my crutch: It's not an excuse, it's the reason

I've talked about food addiction a lot on my blog, even more lately than I used to.  Here are some past posts if you'd like to get caught up:



2/4/2010: http://lolorashel.blogspot.com/2010/02/food-final-frontier.html



2/26/2010:  http://lolorashel.blogspot.com/2010/02/id-like-to-have-my-big-mac-and-eat-it.html



3/10/2010: http://lolorashel.blogspot.com/2010/03/pick-your-poison.html



7/22/2010: http://lolorashel.blogspot.com/2010/07/swapping-problems.html



5/6/2011: http://lolorashel.blogspot.com/2011/05/effing-jellybeans.html



3/9/2012: http://lolorashel.blogspot.com/2012/03/filing-for-bankruptcy-made-me-fat.html



3/23/2012: http://lolorashel.blogspot.com/2012/03/when-you-do-it-alone-theres-problem.html



4/5/2012: http://lolorashel.blogspot.com/2012/04/carnie-wilson-in-news-again.html



I read back on a lot of old posts, whether they were exercise or food related.  At the end, I always promised to be better, how that day was a new day and things were going to change.  Then they didn't.  Or they did -- only for the worse since I've gained about 25 pounds since I started this blog two years ago.  



And it got me thinking about how sometimes you're not making an excuse, "it" really is the reason you can or cannot do something.  There are only so many hours in the day.  I literally cannot fit in exercise on a day I might be doing something from the minute I wake up to the minute I go to bed.  Some days I really do stop for fast food because I am running around so much (and stupidly didn't think ahead) that making a "healthy" choice at fast food is better than eating nothing at all.



I am not a lazy person.  I work a 40 hour a week job.  I commute.  I write for multiple companies.  I teach at Twirly Girls.  I take classes at Twirly Girls.  I do pilates.  And I also have to find time for Rob, household chores, friends, etc.  Apparently I am required to sleep a third of the day away as well.  I could probably use some extra cardio and definitely some yoga in my life, but I need to find time to fit it in. 



But my nemesis is food.  And I am struggling with food addiction.  No matter how much I work out, without getting the food under control, I won't get my weight under control.  It's not an excuse, but it is a reason I'm fat.



Or is it an excuse?



A few years back, I went through a really nasty break-up.  Psycho stalker bullshit.  The guy gave up smoking pot at the same time as we broke up.  And his brain went nuts.  I think he was also doing a little coke or something else, but can't prove anything.  Anyway, long story short, he talked to a therapist who gave him a "diagnosis" (over the phone during like one or two phone sessions -- I should have reported this stupid bitch) of OCD, along with some other issues.  And suddenly, he had a crutch!  He was "mentally ill" (his words, not mine)!  And he informed me that we could get back together and I would just tell all of my friends he was mentally ill and that's why he acted like a douchebag.  Oh well, snap!  Thanks, dude, but you're still a douchebag and I wouldn't take you back if you were the last guy on earth.  I could have strangled that fucking therapist.  But that became his crutch.  Oh thank God I don't have to take responsibility for my actions because I have just been handed this diagnosis explaining why I act the way I do!!



I feel like food addiction or not exercising or any of the unhealthy habits I have are the same thing.  Yes, I may battle issues.  Yes, they may be the reason I am the way I am.  But it doesn't take the responsibility off of me to fix myself.  I may need help from my therapist, my friends, my family.  But it's still ME who has to fix it.  I mean, I can certainly walk around the rest of my life using food addiction as a crutch.  But that won't really get me anywhere, now, will it?