Carnie Wilson in the news again...

Today I received an e-mail with the title, "Is there hope for Carnie Wilson?"  Gah.  She doesn't have cancer, she's just fat.  Then I opened up the e-mail.  Apparently Carnie Wilson was back on Dr. Oz's show and, get this....SHE JUST GOT THE LAP-BAND!! 



Wow.  Just WOW.



Carnie had gastric bypass years ago and now she just had the lap-band surgery.  Her top weight was 300 pounds.  She lost 150 pounds post-gastric bypass.  Then she gained a lot of it back.  I know she yo-yo'd, battled alcoholism, and also appeared on a celebrity weight loss show, losing 20-something pounds.  Apparently on Dr. Oz's show, she weighed around 218.  She lost 30 pounds her first month after lap-band.



She's a public reminder that I cannot fail this surgery.  Notice how I didn't say this surgery cannot fail me.  This is all about me and figuring out why I do this shit to myself.  Not why this surgery isn't doing it's job.  It did it's job.  Now it's my turn.  And it has been my turn for a very long time.  Somehow I've been sitting with the game piece in my hand, unmoving, allowing everyone and everything to pass me by.  Time to get in the game. 



The article, written by Tricia Greaves Nelson, made some great points (check out The Nelson Center For Emotional Eating HERE):



While Carnie’s desire to lose weight is a good thing, anyone who has been obese or struggled chronically with food addiction knows that having a high resolve to lose weight doesn’t ensure permanent weight loss. Even going to such desperate lengths as having lap-band surgery after gastric bypass surgery most likely won’t do the trick.



Having surgery for a food addiction problem is like having one’s leg amputated for athlete’s foot. In fact, it’s worse: at least with amputation you will no longer have athlete’s foot. With bypass surgery, you will still struggle with food addiction and will still likely be overweight, if not obese. Nothing is being done to address why a person is gorging themselves to the point of obesity. That is why Carnie’s first surgery was not a solution to her weight loss woes. And her second surgery won’t be either.



Carnie is a self-professed food addict. But it matters not what a person calls it—emotional eater, compulsive overeater, binge-eater—having any kind of compulsion with food means that a person cannot control how much she eats. That is worth repeating: She cannot control how much she eats. Carnie overate even when her stomach was shrunk by surgery. Carnie has an addiction to food that no physical impediment, apart from a jaw-wire, can curb (even then, there’s always Starbucks’ Caramel Frappuccinos). And no matter how many surgeries she tries, or restrictions she places on food choices, Carnie will not be able to control what and how much she eats. That is the nature of an addiction.



I have only recently actually come to terms with my food addiction and wrote about it HERE.  I am talking more about it in therapy.  We have spent the last two years really focusing on not spending money that I really didn't see the food thing sneaking up on me.  Well, it sneaked up and passed me by without me even realizing... 



I feel so hopeless.  If Carnie Wilson, with all of her money to hire a chef and personal trainer and free time to be at the gym 8 hours a day, cannot do it, how do I do it?  Or is it because she has all of the added advantages that she can't focus and doesn't want to knuckle down and do the work?



Food addiction is hard to fight.  With alcohol or drug addiction, at least you can abstain.  There is an anecdotal saying among Overeaters Anonymous members that "when you are addicted to drugs you put the tiger in the cage to recover; when you are addicted to food you put the tiger in the cage, but take it out three times a day for a walk."



I hate my tiger.



And, for some reason, I hate Carnie Wilson for having a second surgery.  Maybe it's just because I'm jealous.  Maybe I'm worried that a second surgery is in my destiny?  I don't know.  A few years ago, I started noticing a phenomenon of pre-op patients looking at lot like two or three month post-op patients.  Meaning...they are handing surgeries out to almost anyone who asks.  No longer do you need to be 100 pounds plus overweight.  If you have maybe 60 pounds, they'll squeeze you in.  That means I would qualify for surgery right now!



Weight loss surgery is (or should be) a life-altering event.  I still take it very seriously, although I realize that my surgeon has done all that he can for me and now I need to spend more time with my therapist to alter my brain.



How do you feel about Carnie's latest life choice?  I mean, she's a big girl (no pun intended) and can make her own decisions, but if you are a weight loss surgery patient, would you consider a revision or second surgery??

Do I have a responsibility?

Sometimes I forget.  I forget when I'm ranting and raving and spewing unhappiness that people are actually watching my public tantrums.  It is easy for me to be "real" about my struggles because writing into a white box where I can't see anyone staring back isn't "real" to me.  I use this blog as an outlet, to help myself figure out why I do the stupid things I do.  But, do I have a responsibility?  Now that I realize how many people are reading my blog, should I rein myself in?  Should I shit sunshine and rainbows, and pretend I don't have any problems?  Should I preach good body image and healthy self love, when I don't practice it myself?  Or should I be real? 

I recently posted about the "challenges" of being a curvy girl, where I talked about not wanting to be a curvy girl.  A reader called me out:

You know, all the same things that any girl would love hearing. I have to admit, I was a bit taken aback to hear you say:



"I don't look down on curvy girls. At the same time, I don't want to be one," shortly after saying that you don't consider it a handicap. However, I am all in favor of personal choice and if it is more ideal for you to wish to be a size 4 as opposed to a size 14, in my eyes, that is perfectly acceptable. We want women to be happy in the skin they are in and if you are unhappy and being tinier would make you feel better about yourself, than that is what we would want for you. 

I corrected myself in a comment by saying that I don't fight against being CURVY.  I just don't want to be fat.  Being overweight hurts.  It hurts my back, hips, feet, ankles, knees...  Her comment (in its entirety) really resonated with me.  She continued on to say:  

That's a gift that I wish for all women, to wake up every morning, look in the mirror and realize that she is a goddess. Fat, thin or any size in between. Just be happy.



That's all I want for you. I've seen your photos. You're lovely. I wish you knew that about you and can see yourself as I see you in your pictures. Strong, fit, smart, savvy and yes, even curvy. And I promise you, it's not a bad thing. :)

I wish that for all women as well.  I wish it for all people.  I wish it for myself.  I really have to come to terms with the fact that there's a small possibility that I won't lose all of this recent weight gain.  I don't plan to stop trying, but I do need to work on loving myself regardless of what the scale (or my clothes) say.  I battle depression, so I realize I'm already fighting an uphill battle.  

I feel like I have a responsibility to be as healthy as I can possibly be.  I help run a gastric bypass support group for God's sake!  I am also now teaching at Twirly Girls, so I have a class of students I need to stay ahead of.  I really am focusing, though, on being healthy and strong, not skinny(ier).  I recently posted that I was putting my scale away.  I had gotten up to 257 pounds, and was down to 252 after I started the Paleo Diet.  I put my scale away two weeks ago and weighed 255 pounds at that time.  I was supposed to wait two months to pull my scale out.  I cheated...only two weeks in (I know....I couldn't take it!!)!  But I was down to 250 pounds!  I am SO excited!!!!  I recognize that food is my nemesis.  I am an addict and compulsive over-eater.  I am dealing with this one day at a time.  Stopping binges is my one and only daily goal.  But I definitely feel more in control since I put away the scale and all of the food lists (here's a history of my weight loss adventures). 

I know I'm usually the queen of TMI.  I guess part of me hoped I was helping other people battling the same issues, even if just to let them know there are other people out there with the same issues.  At the same time, I don't mean to insult anyone by talking about how happy *I* am when I'm overweight.  

So what do you think?  Should I publicly talk about all of my bullshit?  Or should I keep it to myself? 

My 8th Surgiversary

Today is the eighth anniversary of the first day of the rest of my life.  I had gastric bypass surgery this day eight years ago at UCSF in San Francisco.  

I know I have been fighting a very public battle with my weight lately.  Maybe I've made it too public.  I guess I felt like if I make my issues public, it will help me take control but I've really just been more out of control than I ever have been post-surgery.  I'm just now starting to come to terms with my addiction and compulsive behaviors.  

Even though I have been battling weight gain, I am still down 100 pounds.  I am still considered a successful gastric bypass patient.  At five to fifteen years post-surgery, most gastric bypass patients are expected to have kept off half of the weight.  I've kept almost 2/3 off (maybe a little less...I'd really rather not do math but I've definitely done better than 50%).  I still don't want the 1/3 I have on.  And I still beat the odds.  Sadly.

Read the post about my 6th new-birthday HERE.

Read the post about turning seven HERE.

You can read about the Twirly Tuff workout I've been following HERE.

Read about self-esteem posts HERE.

Read about addiction HERE.

HERE are my top five gastric bypass posts from 2011.

Otherwise, enjoy some photos from my gastric bypass adventures.  Here's to my 9th new-birthday being way happier than this one.  :-)

Filing for bankruptcy made me fat

Let me explain...



I have talked a bit about addiction transfer after gastric bypass.  I am now almost eight years out from surgery.  I initially lost 165 pounds but have gained (*GASP*) 70 pounds back.  I am only trying to lose 50, but would take 25 at this point.  Sure, I've struggled on and off with food issues.  But they got really bad a couple of years ago, and I wasn't really sure why. 



Because I couldn't shop on credit anymore.



I made a personal decision to let my condo go into foreclosure and later decided I needed to file for bankruptcy to protect myself from the second mortgage coming after me.  I filed two years ago.  It was so scary.  I have to live on a cash-only basis for five years while I am making payments to the court.  No shopping sprees unless I have the cash.  And when you have a boyfriend finishing his doctorate, you have no spare cash.



So the weight crept up on me.  I blamed things.  Moving in with Rob.  Stress.  Work.  Family.  I mean, it is all of those things and none of those things.  Addiction transfer is not new to me.  I've written about it several times.  Check out THIS post, which links to other posts on the subject. 



But here I am, almost eight years out from gastric bypass, even one of the leaders of a local support group, and I clearly haven't fully grasped the concept that I either "need" to eat or shop.   If one goes away, I am still relying on the other.  This means that the last two plus years of therapy hasn't been helping maybe as much as I thought.  We focus so much on how well I'm doing not shopping (since I don't have a choice in the matter) that I completely forget about the fact that I am only replacing shopping with food! 



Anyway, I know I've been whining a lot lately but I am hoping that by sharing all of this self-discovery, maybe I will actually start moving in the right direction.  And maybe I am praying to the lottery gods to let me win so I can buy all kinds of clothes, stop eating, and start doing fun stuff all day long.  :-)