Here's my crutch: It's not an excuse, it's the reason

I've talked about food addiction a lot on my blog, even more lately than I used to.  Here are some past posts if you'd like to get caught up:



2/4/2010: http://lolorashel.blogspot.com/2010/02/food-final-frontier.html



2/26/2010:  http://lolorashel.blogspot.com/2010/02/id-like-to-have-my-big-mac-and-eat-it.html



3/10/2010: http://lolorashel.blogspot.com/2010/03/pick-your-poison.html



7/22/2010: http://lolorashel.blogspot.com/2010/07/swapping-problems.html



5/6/2011: http://lolorashel.blogspot.com/2011/05/effing-jellybeans.html



3/9/2012: http://lolorashel.blogspot.com/2012/03/filing-for-bankruptcy-made-me-fat.html



3/23/2012: http://lolorashel.blogspot.com/2012/03/when-you-do-it-alone-theres-problem.html



4/5/2012: http://lolorashel.blogspot.com/2012/04/carnie-wilson-in-news-again.html



I read back on a lot of old posts, whether they were exercise or food related.  At the end, I always promised to be better, how that day was a new day and things were going to change.  Then they didn't.  Or they did -- only for the worse since I've gained about 25 pounds since I started this blog two years ago.  



And it got me thinking about how sometimes you're not making an excuse, "it" really is the reason you can or cannot do something.  There are only so many hours in the day.  I literally cannot fit in exercise on a day I might be doing something from the minute I wake up to the minute I go to bed.  Some days I really do stop for fast food because I am running around so much (and stupidly didn't think ahead) that making a "healthy" choice at fast food is better than eating nothing at all.



I am not a lazy person.  I work a 40 hour a week job.  I commute.  I write for multiple companies.  I teach at Twirly Girls.  I take classes at Twirly Girls.  I do pilates.  And I also have to find time for Rob, household chores, friends, etc.  Apparently I am required to sleep a third of the day away as well.  I could probably use some extra cardio and definitely some yoga in my life, but I need to find time to fit it in. 



But my nemesis is food.  And I am struggling with food addiction.  No matter how much I work out, without getting the food under control, I won't get my weight under control.  It's not an excuse, but it is a reason I'm fat.



Or is it an excuse?



A few years back, I went through a really nasty break-up.  Psycho stalker bullshit.  The guy gave up smoking pot at the same time as we broke up.  And his brain went nuts.  I think he was also doing a little coke or something else, but can't prove anything.  Anyway, long story short, he talked to a therapist who gave him a "diagnosis" (over the phone during like one or two phone sessions -- I should have reported this stupid bitch) of OCD, along with some other issues.  And suddenly, he had a crutch!  He was "mentally ill" (his words, not mine)!  And he informed me that we could get back together and I would just tell all of my friends he was mentally ill and that's why he acted like a douchebag.  Oh well, snap!  Thanks, dude, but you're still a douchebag and I wouldn't take you back if you were the last guy on earth.  I could have strangled that fucking therapist.  But that became his crutch.  Oh thank God I don't have to take responsibility for my actions because I have just been handed this diagnosis explaining why I act the way I do!!



I feel like food addiction or not exercising or any of the unhealthy habits I have are the same thing.  Yes, I may battle issues.  Yes, they may be the reason I am the way I am.  But it doesn't take the responsibility off of me to fix myself.  I may need help from my therapist, my friends, my family.  But it's still ME who has to fix it.  I mean, I can certainly walk around the rest of my life using food addiction as a crutch.  But that won't really get me anywhere, now, will it?

Carnie Wilson in the news again...

Today I received an e-mail with the title, "Is there hope for Carnie Wilson?"  Gah.  She doesn't have cancer, she's just fat.  Then I opened up the e-mail.  Apparently Carnie Wilson was back on Dr. Oz's show and, get this....SHE JUST GOT THE LAP-BAND!! 



Wow.  Just WOW.



Carnie had gastric bypass years ago and now she just had the lap-band surgery.  Her top weight was 300 pounds.  She lost 150 pounds post-gastric bypass.  Then she gained a lot of it back.  I know she yo-yo'd, battled alcoholism, and also appeared on a celebrity weight loss show, losing 20-something pounds.  Apparently on Dr. Oz's show, she weighed around 218.  She lost 30 pounds her first month after lap-band.



She's a public reminder that I cannot fail this surgery.  Notice how I didn't say this surgery cannot fail me.  This is all about me and figuring out why I do this shit to myself.  Not why this surgery isn't doing it's job.  It did it's job.  Now it's my turn.  And it has been my turn for a very long time.  Somehow I've been sitting with the game piece in my hand, unmoving, allowing everyone and everything to pass me by.  Time to get in the game. 



The article, written by Tricia Greaves Nelson, made some great points (check out The Nelson Center For Emotional Eating HERE):



While Carnie’s desire to lose weight is a good thing, anyone who has been obese or struggled chronically with food addiction knows that having a high resolve to lose weight doesn’t ensure permanent weight loss. Even going to such desperate lengths as having lap-band surgery after gastric bypass surgery most likely won’t do the trick.



Having surgery for a food addiction problem is like having one’s leg amputated for athlete’s foot. In fact, it’s worse: at least with amputation you will no longer have athlete’s foot. With bypass surgery, you will still struggle with food addiction and will still likely be overweight, if not obese. Nothing is being done to address why a person is gorging themselves to the point of obesity. That is why Carnie’s first surgery was not a solution to her weight loss woes. And her second surgery won’t be either.



Carnie is a self-professed food addict. But it matters not what a person calls it—emotional eater, compulsive overeater, binge-eater—having any kind of compulsion with food means that a person cannot control how much she eats. That is worth repeating: She cannot control how much she eats. Carnie overate even when her stomach was shrunk by surgery. Carnie has an addiction to food that no physical impediment, apart from a jaw-wire, can curb (even then, there’s always Starbucks’ Caramel Frappuccinos). And no matter how many surgeries she tries, or restrictions she places on food choices, Carnie will not be able to control what and how much she eats. That is the nature of an addiction.



I have only recently actually come to terms with my food addiction and wrote about it HERE.  I am talking more about it in therapy.  We have spent the last two years really focusing on not spending money that I really didn't see the food thing sneaking up on me.  Well, it sneaked up and passed me by without me even realizing... 



I feel so hopeless.  If Carnie Wilson, with all of her money to hire a chef and personal trainer and free time to be at the gym 8 hours a day, cannot do it, how do I do it?  Or is it because she has all of the added advantages that she can't focus and doesn't want to knuckle down and do the work?



Food addiction is hard to fight.  With alcohol or drug addiction, at least you can abstain.  There is an anecdotal saying among Overeaters Anonymous members that "when you are addicted to drugs you put the tiger in the cage to recover; when you are addicted to food you put the tiger in the cage, but take it out three times a day for a walk."



I hate my tiger.



And, for some reason, I hate Carnie Wilson for having a second surgery.  Maybe it's just because I'm jealous.  Maybe I'm worried that a second surgery is in my destiny?  I don't know.  A few years ago, I started noticing a phenomenon of pre-op patients looking at lot like two or three month post-op patients.  Meaning...they are handing surgeries out to almost anyone who asks.  No longer do you need to be 100 pounds plus overweight.  If you have maybe 60 pounds, they'll squeeze you in.  That means I would qualify for surgery right now!



Weight loss surgery is (or should be) a life-altering event.  I still take it very seriously, although I realize that my surgeon has done all that he can for me and now I need to spend more time with my therapist to alter my brain.



How do you feel about Carnie's latest life choice?  I mean, she's a big girl (no pun intended) and can make her own decisions, but if you are a weight loss surgery patient, would you consider a revision or second surgery??

When you do it alone, there's a problem...

I recently blogged about whether I have a responsibility to stop preaching good body image when I don't practice it myself (HERE is also a previous post I did about eating disorders and diets).  I started thinking about it, and I almost feel like I have a responsibility to provide a voice for people (especially young girls) who have developed (or are developing) eating disorders as they try to keep up with the ridiculous standards set by society.  On one hand, we're going to put up a McDonald's on every other corner.  On the other, we're going to constantly call you a fat ass by publishing magazines with airbrushed photos of models with unattainable bodies.

According to THIS study, up to 65% of adult American women have "disordered eating," with an additional 10% actually battling anorexia, bulimia or binge eating disorder.  SIXTY-FIVE PERCENT!  Other findings:

• 75 percent of women report disordered eating behaviors or symptoms consistent with eating disorders; so three out of four have an unhealthy relationship with food or their bodies


• 67 percent of women (excluding those with actual eating disorders) are trying to lose weight


• 53 percent of dieters are already at a healthy weight and are still trying to lose weight


• 39 percent of women say concerns about what they eat or weigh interfere with their happiness


• 37 percent regularly skip meals to try to lose weight


• 27 percent would be “extremely upset” if they gained just five pounds


• 26 percent cut out entire food groups


• 16 percent have dieted on 1,000 calories a day or fewer


• 13 percent smoke to lose weight


• 12 percent often eat when they’re not hungry; 49 percent sometimes do

I have been watching some weight loss related streams on Tumblr.  There seems to be a tug-o-war between the people I follow.  The skinny girls posting headless pictures of their bodies in the mirror, usually patting themselves on the back for losing five pounds but clearly still looking for compliments by claiming they need to lose five more.  The curvy girls trying to love their curves by posting inspirational and beautiful photos of girls with a little more meat on their bones.  People post photos, ask questions and give dieting advice.  The sad thing is, a lot of the "skinny girls" are being completely unrealistic.  If a teenage girl is watching this same stream and thinking she too should look like some other girl who clearly eats only a shred of lettuce per day, she is going to "fail!"  (Or, in the defense of my naturally thin friends, some people are just that thin and us big-boned girls can't expect to ever look like them.)



So, today I want to talk about binge eating.  Binge eating disorder is defined by the Mayo Clinic as ..."a serious eating disorder in which you frequently consume unusually large amounts of food. Almost everyone overeats on occasion, such as having seconds or thirds of a holiday meal. But for some people, overeating crosses the line to binge-eating disorder and it becomes a regular occurrence, shrouded in secrecy."



Ahhh, the secrecy part.  You mean, when I keep jellybeans in my car so no one will find them?  Or I stop by the gas station for a bag of cookies that I can eat before I get home?  I've never really considered myself a binge eater because I've always been told that people who binge eat will put down like entire cakes or a whole side of beef.  That's not me.  I also was under the impression that binge eaters also had to purge.  I don't throw up.  But you can be a binge eater without being bulimic.  So like an addict, however, to find a way to distance myself from those "other people."



Here are some signs that you may be a binge eater:

• Eating large amounts of food


• Eating even when you're full


• Eating rapidly during binge episodes


• Feeling that your eating behavior is out of control


• Eating a lot even though you're not hungry


• Depression


• Anxiety


• Frequent dieting, possibly without weight loss


• Frequently eating alone


• Feeling depressed, disgusted or upset about your eating

Here are some suggested home remedies:

• Stick to your treatment. Don't skip therapy sessions. If you have meal plans, do your best to stick to them and don't let setbacks derail your overall efforts.


• Avoid dieting. Trying to diet can trigger more binge episodes, leading to a vicious cycle that's hard to break.


• Eat breakfast. Many people with binge-eating disorder skip breakfast. But, if you eat breakfast, you may be less prone to eating higher calorie meals later in the day.


• Don't stock up. Keep less food in your home than you normally do. That may mean more-frequent trips to the grocery store, but it may also take away the temptation and ability to binge eat.


• Get the right nutrients. Just because you may be eating a lot during binges doesn't mean you're eating the kinds of food that supply all of your essential nutrients. Talk to your doctor about vitamin and mineral supplements.


• Stay connected. Don't isolate yourself from caring family members and friends who want to see you get healthy. Understand that they have your best interests at heart.


• Get active. Talk to your health care providers about what kind of exercise is appropriate for you, especially if you have health problems related to being overweight.

 Other suggested coping mechanisms:

• Ease up on yourself. Don't buy into your own self-criticism.


• Identify situations that may trigger destructive eating behavior so that you can develop a plan of action to deal with them.


• Look for positive role models who can help lift your self-esteem, even if they're not easy to find. Remind yourself that the ultrathin models or actresses showcased in women's magazines or gossip magazines often don't represent healthy, realistic bodies.


• Try to find a trusted confidant you can talk to about what's going on. Together, you may be able to come up with some treatment options.


• Try to find someone who can be your partner in the battle against binge eating — someone you can call on for support instead of bingeing.


• Find healthy ways to nurture yourself by doing something just for fun or to relax, such as yoga, photography, meditation or simply a walk.


• Consider journaling about your feelings and behaviors. Journaling can make you more aware of your feelings and actions, and how they're intertwined.

I know this is getting long, but here is an article that just came out about binge eating.  I will italicize the parts I really like.



http://www.prweb.com/releases/2012/3/prweb9286646.htm



The Ranch’s Renowned Eating Disorder Expert to Address Resistance in Obesity & Binge Eating Disorder Treatment at Professional Workshop



On March 24, 2012, The Ranch’s eating disorder consultant, Dr. Carolyn Coker Ross, will host a professional workshop at the annual IAEDP Symposium exploring the five points of resistance patients commonly face in treatment for binge eating disorder and obesity.

The stigmatization of people who are different sizes and targeting of overweight children with negative messaging only increases the risk of eating disorders and obesity. 

Nunnelly, TN (PRWEB) March 20, 2012 

Why is it so difficult for men and women to overcome binge eating disorder and obesity even when they are motivated to do so? This is one of the questions that will be addressed by Carolyn Coker Ross, MD, MPH, a renowned eating disorder and obesity expert and consultant for The Ranch’s eating disorder program, on March 24, 2012, at the annual International Association of Eating Disorders Professionals (IADEP) Symposium in Charleston.



“In our culture and even in medicine, there continues to be a type of fat phobia,” Dr. Ross said. “The stigmatization of people who are different sizes and targeting of overweight children with negative messaging only increases the risk of eating disorders and obesity. It’s time to recognize that what we’re doing is not working and take a new approach.”



Titled “Addressing Therapeutic Roadblocks in Clients with Binge Eating Disorder and Obesity with Integrative Therapies,” the upcoming professional workshop will explore the complex factors contributing to binge eating disorder and obesity, including a research review of the neurobiological causes of these common disorders. Dr. Ross will also address the specific therapeutic roadblocks patients commonly face, as well as integrative therapies to overcome these obstacles. The workshop will conclude with experiential exercises in Zero Balancing, guided imagery, yoga asanas and breathwork.



“A take-away message for clinicians is to stop focusing so heavily on the number on scale,” said Dr. Ross. “The preponderance of evidence shows that the number on the scale isn’t what causes heart disease, diabetes and other health risks. What matters more for cardiovascular and metabolic fitness is what we eat, how often we move and other lifestyle factors.”



Dr. Ross is an internationally known author, speaker and pioneer in the use of integrative medicine to treat eating disorders, obesity and addictions. Earlier this month, she led an interactive discussion about the way the media affects body image and shapes society’s ideals of beauty at the Binge Eating Disorder Association national conference in Philadelphia. She also spoke at the Ben Franklin Institute Summit for Clinical Excellence in Chicago, addressing integrative medicine approaches to treating patients with eating disorders and trauma.



Next month, Dr. Ross will host a professional workshop about the health benefits of ancestral culture-based diets at the Arizona Center for Integrative Medicine’s 9th Annual Nutrition & Health Conference in Boston. In addition to ancestral American diets, Dr. Ross will highlight health-promoting aspects of the Paleolithic diet, the Mediterranean diet, and Japanese and Korean diets, among others. 



Visit http://www.recoveryranch.com or http://www.elementsbehavioralhealth.com.



If you believe you may have an eating disorder, please seek help.  I know it is so frustrating when people tell you, "just stop."  Oh okay, thanks, I hadn't thought of that one before!  I am in therapy but don't think I've been open and honest enough with my therapist (I mean, I thought I was being honest but now realize I don't think I even understood how deeply rooted my problem is).  Maybe I need to share this link with her!  I know I need to "just stop" and I am taking daily strides to do so.  But it is a daily battle and some days I win.  Some I lose.  I am just hoping to start having more winning days than losing ones. 

Do I have a responsibility?

Sometimes I forget.  I forget when I'm ranting and raving and spewing unhappiness that people are actually watching my public tantrums.  It is easy for me to be "real" about my struggles because writing into a white box where I can't see anyone staring back isn't "real" to me.  I use this blog as an outlet, to help myself figure out why I do the stupid things I do.  But, do I have a responsibility?  Now that I realize how many people are reading my blog, should I rein myself in?  Should I shit sunshine and rainbows, and pretend I don't have any problems?  Should I preach good body image and healthy self love, when I don't practice it myself?  Or should I be real? 

I recently posted about the "challenges" of being a curvy girl, where I talked about not wanting to be a curvy girl.  A reader called me out:

You know, all the same things that any girl would love hearing. I have to admit, I was a bit taken aback to hear you say:



"I don't look down on curvy girls. At the same time, I don't want to be one," shortly after saying that you don't consider it a handicap. However, I am all in favor of personal choice and if it is more ideal for you to wish to be a size 4 as opposed to a size 14, in my eyes, that is perfectly acceptable. We want women to be happy in the skin they are in and if you are unhappy and being tinier would make you feel better about yourself, than that is what we would want for you. 

I corrected myself in a comment by saying that I don't fight against being CURVY.  I just don't want to be fat.  Being overweight hurts.  It hurts my back, hips, feet, ankles, knees...  Her comment (in its entirety) really resonated with me.  She continued on to say:  

That's a gift that I wish for all women, to wake up every morning, look in the mirror and realize that she is a goddess. Fat, thin or any size in between. Just be happy.



That's all I want for you. I've seen your photos. You're lovely. I wish you knew that about you and can see yourself as I see you in your pictures. Strong, fit, smart, savvy and yes, even curvy. And I promise you, it's not a bad thing. :)

I wish that for all women as well.  I wish it for all people.  I wish it for myself.  I really have to come to terms with the fact that there's a small possibility that I won't lose all of this recent weight gain.  I don't plan to stop trying, but I do need to work on loving myself regardless of what the scale (or my clothes) say.  I battle depression, so I realize I'm already fighting an uphill battle.  

I feel like I have a responsibility to be as healthy as I can possibly be.  I help run a gastric bypass support group for God's sake!  I am also now teaching at Twirly Girls, so I have a class of students I need to stay ahead of.  I really am focusing, though, on being healthy and strong, not skinny(ier).  I recently posted that I was putting my scale away.  I had gotten up to 257 pounds, and was down to 252 after I started the Paleo Diet.  I put my scale away two weeks ago and weighed 255 pounds at that time.  I was supposed to wait two months to pull my scale out.  I cheated...only two weeks in (I know....I couldn't take it!!)!  But I was down to 250 pounds!  I am SO excited!!!!  I recognize that food is my nemesis.  I am an addict and compulsive over-eater.  I am dealing with this one day at a time.  Stopping binges is my one and only daily goal.  But I definitely feel more in control since I put away the scale and all of the food lists (here's a history of my weight loss adventures). 

I know I'm usually the queen of TMI.  I guess part of me hoped I was helping other people battling the same issues, even if just to let them know there are other people out there with the same issues.  At the same time, I don't mean to insult anyone by talking about how happy *I* am when I'm overweight.  

So what do you think?  Should I publicly talk about all of my bullshit?  Or should I keep it to myself? 

Filing for bankruptcy made me fat

Let me explain...



I have talked a bit about addiction transfer after gastric bypass.  I am now almost eight years out from surgery.  I initially lost 165 pounds but have gained (*GASP*) 70 pounds back.  I am only trying to lose 50, but would take 25 at this point.  Sure, I've struggled on and off with food issues.  But they got really bad a couple of years ago, and I wasn't really sure why. 



Because I couldn't shop on credit anymore.



I made a personal decision to let my condo go into foreclosure and later decided I needed to file for bankruptcy to protect myself from the second mortgage coming after me.  I filed two years ago.  It was so scary.  I have to live on a cash-only basis for five years while I am making payments to the court.  No shopping sprees unless I have the cash.  And when you have a boyfriend finishing his doctorate, you have no spare cash.



So the weight crept up on me.  I blamed things.  Moving in with Rob.  Stress.  Work.  Family.  I mean, it is all of those things and none of those things.  Addiction transfer is not new to me.  I've written about it several times.  Check out THIS post, which links to other posts on the subject. 



But here I am, almost eight years out from gastric bypass, even one of the leaders of a local support group, and I clearly haven't fully grasped the concept that I either "need" to eat or shop.   If one goes away, I am still relying on the other.  This means that the last two plus years of therapy hasn't been helping maybe as much as I thought.  We focus so much on how well I'm doing not shopping (since I don't have a choice in the matter) that I completely forget about the fact that I am only replacing shopping with food! 



Anyway, I know I've been whining a lot lately but I am hoping that by sharing all of this self-discovery, maybe I will actually start moving in the right direction.  And maybe I am praying to the lottery gods to let me win so I can buy all kinds of clothes, stop eating, and start doing fun stuff all day long.  :-)